Friday, December 30

PREDICTIONS FOR 2006

The Anchoress' post -- "Predictions for 2006" -- has inspired me to dust off my vintage (albeit cracked) crystal ball and take a shot at my own brand of prescience for the coming New Year. We'll see a year from now how well I did in my prognostications:

1) The "housing bubble" will finally burst in a monumental, horrific explosion and mounds of cedar and asphalt shingles, 2 x 4s, window casings, broken glass, porcelain, 6-penny nails, linoleum, carpet fragments, cupboards, closet doors, appliances, electrical wire, and splintered furniture and fixtures will litter the nation's interstates and major roadways. Countless dead and injured will be buried in the rubble. FEMA will be overwhelmed and slow to respond, and bitter political in-fighting will break out over whether or not the mortgage deduction in the federal income tax code led to overbuilding. The U.S. Supreme Court will boldly encourage private developers to use federal tax incentives to build strip malls, hotels, and office complexes where houses once stood. Presidente Vicente Fox of Mexico will commit 10 million Mexican nationals to the rebuilding effort and the "Wall Street Journal" will laud his beneficence .

2) The United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit will hold in a landmark case that public schools in California have the Constitutional right to instruct elementary school children in Kama Sutra sex positions provided the sexual proclivities of the gay community are given equal classroom time. The California State Senate and General Assembly will respond by overwhelmingly passing a $250+ million appropriations bill for the requisite teaching aids to facilitate this decision. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, in turn, in a televised address to the citizens of the Golden State, will threaten to veto the measure, vowing that school-age boys and girls in public classrooms "will not go to the mattresses" as long as he is governor.

3) Senator John Kerry (D-MA), in a bold, tactical move to the political center to build his voter base for a run at the Democratic Party's presidential nomination in 2008, will divorce Teresa Heinz Kerry and marry a Red-State Republican "Mega-Millions" lottery winner from upscale Shaker Heights in Cleveland, Ohio. As a result, Barbra Streisand and Michael Moore will publicly disavow their prior support for Senator Kerry on their respective Web sites and Teresa will appear on the Maury Povich Show to trash her former husband, telling viewers that for all she cares "John can catch the first swift boat out of Beantown and take his sorry ass to the shores of Lake Erie."

4) Professor Ward Churchill of the University of Colorado will become Chairman of the Department of Ethnic Studies at the prestigious Sky Ute Casino and University of Indian Studies in Ignacio, Colorado, and will shortly thereafter publish his magnum opus, "Roosting Chickens In Indian Lore -- Antecedents of the 9/11 Attack in the Battle of the Little Bighorn." Bill O'Reilly will devote a "Talking Points" segment to decrying the gross misrepresentations made by Churchill in claiming that Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer purposefully ignored his scouts' reports on the size of the Indian encampment and never had a plan to win the war. Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Chuck Schumer, and John Murtha will rally to Churchill's side and assail Custer's legacy of warmongering, but with platitudinous caveats about that being no reflection on the proud state of Ohio, where Custer was born.

5) "Brokeback Mountain" will earn the Academy Award Oscar for Motion Picture of the Year (2005). Co-presenters on Oscar night will be blogger-journalist Andrew Sullivan and San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom. Stephen Spielberg, in a post Oscar night interview, will lambast the Academy Awards' Board of Governors, saying the fix was in and that "Munich" deserved "Best Picture" laurels. Spielberg will vow revenge, threaten to take his film-making overseas to Israel, and cold-cock a member of the Hollywood press corps.

6) Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) will die from heart failure owing to a Big Mac attack and gross over-indulgence at a fast-food eatery on Chappaquiddick Island. The restaurant's manager will panic and, rather than administering CPR or calling 911, will drag the corpulent, convulsing Kennedy into the restaurant's walk-in freezer and then swim across the channel to Edgartown and check himself into a hotel room, hoping to hide from authorities while he works through his rationale for having abandoned the senator. Ironically, the store manager's subsequent capture will be facilitated by NSA eavesdropping of toll calls placed by him from the hotel to a pro bono ACLU lawyer. Toward the end of the year and distastefully, Senator Kennedy's corpse will be used ignominiously in a "Will It Float?" segment on CBS' Late Show with David Letterman.

7) El Presidente Vicente Fox of Mexico, flanked by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and leaders of the National Council of La Raza and MEChA, will make a major speech while standing before a bank of microphones at the U.S.-Mexico border between Otay Mesa and the Pacific Coast. In that vociferous address, Fox will cry out, referring to the 15-feet high, climb-proof, triple border fence: "President Bush -- tear down this wall !!!" Subsequently, elements of the notorious MS-13 gang, supported by Mexico's dreaded Zetas, will invade San Diego and reclaim it under the terms and conditions of "El Plan de Aztlan." Michael Chertoff will be castigated vigorously by the Democratic Party for gross malfeasance and forced to resign his post at the Department of Homeland Security. Congressional hearings will ensue, conducted, of course, in Spanish.

8) Gene Hackman and Willem Dafoe will reprise their roles in "Mississippi Burning" in a new Hollywood release, "Paris Burning," about the widespread rioting and arson in 2005 in Paris' abjectly poor, culturally unassimilated, Muslim immigrant-populated suburbs. Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin will be played by Anthony Hopkins and the son of Noel Coward will be cast as Jacque Chirac, president of the French Republic. Ebert and Roeper will give it a "two thumbs up" and the movie's producer, Jerry Lewis, will earn the coveted Commandeur in the Order of Arts and Letters award -- France's highest cultural honor. Activist Mike Farrell will call for the commutation of sentences by the government of France for all arsonists tried and convicted in the aftermath of the rioting and for his noble, courageous lobbying will receive the first annual Tookie Willliams' Apologist Award by the Hollywood community's Creative Coalition and its founder, Susan Sarandon.

9) New Orlean's mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana's governor Kathleen Blanco will resign their posts first of the year to join the Dallas-based, public relations firm of Allyn & Company to lead its efforts in whitewashing the widespread corruption in Mexico's government and to put the best possible spin on Mexico's blatant encouragement of the breeching of the United States' southern border by Mexican nationals. Nagin's assignment will be to disguise the fact that the Mexican government purchased hundreds of school buses from the city of New Orleans for use in conveying Mexican nationals to staging areas for eventual border-jumping. Blanco's marching orders will be to express her "absolute frustration" over U.S. legislation to erect over 700 miles of new border fencing, to level charges of "racism" and "zenophobia" against U.S. lawmakers, and to endeavor to discourage, in collaboration with U.S.-based Mexican Consulates, further border vigils by the Minutemen and Sean Hannity.

10) Alan Colmes will almost make a cogent, intelligible argument, but for the ill-timed dropping by a studio assistant of a cue card.

11) Dana Priest of the "Washington Post" will publish a NYT's best-selling expose on the CIA's use of torture at covert, European-based gulags, with a full chaper devoted to the CIA's most unsavory technique used on purported Islamofascists -- wrapping unclad detainees in nude posters of Kirsty Alley. Subsequent revelations published in WaPo will reveal the second most frequently used technique by the CIA -- namely, making detainees view a one-hour slideshow of Liza Minnelli and David Gest kissing.

12) MSNBC's Norah O'Donnell will do a televised interview with me about my blog's -- A CERTAIN SLANT OF LIGHT -- success and will invite me to join her afterwards for cocktails and dinner at a quiet Italian bistro.

Hey, I threw in #12 so at least one of my predictions for 2006 will come true!