Friday, October 14

IN DEFENSE OF "BUBBLE-LIPPED, MUD-WRESTLING" FOX NEWS' BABES

Oh, let me first say that the headline of this post is more a tongue-in-cheek response to a splendidly written (she's such a rock-solid talent) Anchoress' column on the post-Dan Rather CBS "Evening News" broadcast -- a column that's as endearing for its turn of phrase and delicious Anchorisms, as it is for its content -- than it is a serious defense of the comely, lip-gloss-glopped, Fox News' distaff triumvirate of Laurie Dhue, Page Hopkins, and Dari Alexander, who the Anchoress unceremoniously pokes fun at.

But, goodness, someone has to defend these cookie-cutter, pulchritudinous, news room anchorites from the adjectives-armed-arsenal Anchoresses of the world, and why not me since I fit right in with those 50-ish, married-men demographics that have been reported on by the media this past week-- you know, the gray-whiskered, pot-bellied, Suphose-resisting baby boomers who still read print newspapers, keep a vice-grip on the TV remote control, flipping between football games and 24/7 cable TV news, and are at the quintessential age to lust in their hearts, as Jimmy Carter once did, after that which they cannot possibly have absent a 10,000 square foot beach house in Malibu, a 48-foot Carver fashionably moored in Santa Monica, and a pill box full of Cialis and Linus Pauling-monogrammed, megadose-sized vitamin C tablets. Fact is, Bill O'Reilly gets to work with these telepromtor-flanked babes and he proved even phone sex is verbotten. So what's a guy to do but to pant and wistfully hope a Laurie Dhue news segment is followed by a Revlon commercial to keep the thrill going.

Frankly, I don't know what The Anchoress' issue is with the "bubble-lipped mud-wrestling babes at Fox." Unless, of course, she's tired of hearing her husband's unmuffled, heavy breathing coming from the family room between Bill O'Reilly "Factor" segments when a breathless, ravishing, blonde hair-on-black silk blouse posed Lauie Dhue displays lips the collagen-equal of Angelina Joli's, but with a glossy sheen so lustrous that you just know she had to have run herself through a car wash's hot wax cycle two or three times with her mug facing skyward, like a turkey drowning in a rainstorm. Those aren't DNA lips. No, only modern science could achieve such a look ("at BASF, we don't make Laurie Dhue's lips; we make them look better"). Thank God for chemistry.

Maybe The Anchoress' complaint is much like that of my wife's. The CBS "Evening News" gives women the "watery smile" of a more-than-ready-for-retirement Bob Schieffer, while CNN hypes "dusty-looking unknowns" that neither titillate nor make for sweet dreams; meanwhile, and by contrast, we male cable news' worshippers get any number of hot-looking women who have everything going for them in front of the cameras but Playboy bunny ears and a lamp post to lean against. Seems unfair, doesn't it, and particularly with the retirement of the boyishly handsome Tom Browkaw and the untimely death of movie-idol handsome Peter Jennings? Well, who said life was fair? The Anchoress and my wife should take comfort in the fact that their preferred television evening news venues focus viewers more on distorted, MSM-propogandized news, rather than contorted, Botox-ravaged miens. Count the ladies, therefore, as much more serious-minded and far less superficial than the men (and to their eternal credit), and indubitably more adept at distilling truth from spin, than skillful plastic surgery from the ephemeral beguiling of false eyelashes and hair extensions.

Besides, truth be known, it was scruffy, tattoo-festooned Giraldo Rivera who got the story all wrong, as he stood blisteringly mad in front of the New Orleans Convention Center, shouting to the rooftops that a plethora of dead bodies were inside the evacuee-filled "refuge of last resort." Laurie Dhue, Page Hopkins, and Dari Alexander, in all of their camera-preening glory, would not have braved such a statement without a minimum of two primary sources (or risk floodwaters in their Vigotti high heels). Take it from me: they're more than just attractive, Stepford-like news-readers; they're bona fide television journalists of the first rank.

And, and I say this for the edification of my blogger-buddy, The Anchoress, should I ever find the Fox News anchor-babes "distressingly obsequious" in their trowel-applied, lip-gloss allure, I promise her I'll get more serious-minded and flip over to Norah O'Donnell on MSNBC and get my mind right.