Wednesday, May 4

PAULA AB'DULL'

Anyone who is a regular viewer of Fox's "American Idol" can tell you it shouldn't take an expose from a rival network (ABC) to topple Paula Ab'dull' from her center seat on the judges' dais. Whether it's strictly her television persona or the way she really is, the diminuitive Ms. Ab'dull' comes across as a quintessential airhead. Edith Bunker (Jean Stapleton) could be a contestant singing a reprise of "Those Were The Days" -- the theme song from "All In The Family" -- and Paula would rise out of her chair and writhe to the beat and, after Randy had politely characterized Edith's voice as pitchy and incapable of hitting the high notes and before Simon told her she wasn't worthy to be a back-up singer for the world's worst karaoke singer, Paula would get that patented, wistful, glazed-eye, do-you-think-I'm-on-drugs-? expression of hers and extol Edith's virtues:

Edith, I just really connected with you tonight. I loved everything about you! You were having such fun up there and the audience was really with you. And you look so pretty in that Sears Catalogue cotton house dress. For me, I think you picked a terrific song and it really showcased your voice. Tonight was your best performance.
I'm not sure if ABC's PrimeTime expose will sink so low as to mention this, but studio audience fans on the "American Idol" show are issued barf bags beforehand, much like those found in the seat pouches on commercial airlines, to use when Paula is speaking.

Of this I have no doubt: if Paula did in fact sleep with a former "American Idol" contestant while he was competing on the show, I'm positive that she gave him a splendid review on his sexual prowess afterwards and even if he had a bad bout of erectile dysfunction. After all, Paula could sleep with Arthur Godfrey's ghost and find something meritorious to say of the encounter.