Thursday, May 26

I'LL NEVER PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A CARL'S JR. BURGER TODAY

The younger of my two sisters called me to ask if I had seen the Paris Hilton commercial for the Carl's Jr. restaurant chain. I told her I had, that it was all over the news here in southeastern Texas and that Bill O'Reilly showed it over and over again on his show, obviously warming himself up for a post-"O'Reilly Factor" telephone call with one of his female staffers.

She told me that she, her husband, and college-age daughter had committed to each other never again to eat a Carl's Jr. hamburger. So you know, the chain has its greatest concentration of stores in California. Of course, that's precisely why they'll increase sales with this soft porn commercial. My sister and her family run against the grain of the Blue State libertines who populate the former Golden State and who, unlike them, will be tintillated, rather than offended, by Paris Hilton's writhing. That's the Hollywood influence at work, along with Democratic Party that long ago abdicated any role in preserving moral values in this country.

She probably called me because she knows I rival Wimpy in my love of the hamburger. Some say pizza is the perfect meal; I say it is the hamburger! I could eat them every day and never grow gastronomically weary.

What my sister didn't know in calling me is that Carl's Jr. has very few stores in Texas and what little concentration they do have is more up in the Dallas-Ft.Worth area. So I'll not be able to effect a boycott of any consequence despite my unsated appetitie for cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

Still, if I lived in southern California, as my sister does, I'd join her in her family's campaign. Besides, there are two great choices out there that put Carl's Jr. burgers to shame anyway (and that's why Carl's must feel compelled to sell Paris' flesh, rather than their ground steak): IN-N-OUT and Tommy's Burger.

Trust me, as I lived in southern California for many, many years and I know a good hamburger when I eat one. These two burger chains have developed cult followings. Their burgers are the stuff of legends. Many a businessman gets off a plane at LAX, rents a car, and heads straight for one or the other. I've seen Rolls Royces at midnight pulled up in front of "Tommy's" original downtown location after a Dodger game lets out.

Just eyeball this thing of beauty!

When it comes to a hamburger trust word-of-mouth over bump-and-grind any day of the week.